Vol.XVIII No.IV Pg.6
June 1981

Return Of Safed The Sage

Robert F. Turner

(By William E. Barton, publ. in 1919) Now there came unto me a Middle-Aged Woman; and she said, Hast thou a Philosopher's Stone wherein thou dost look, and tell Unhappy People what to do? And I told her that I had.

And she seated herself before me, and I looked at the Rings on her left hand and I looked also into the Philosopher's Stone, and I said, Thou art Married. And she answered and said, I am. And I looked again, and I said, Thou art unhappy. And she said, 0 Safed, thou are indeed a man of Great Discernment. And I said, Thy husband, who once was most fond, now Tendeth to his Business, and seemeth to thee to be Inconsiderate. And she gently Sobbed her Assent.

And she said, 0 Safed, I simply must tell some one! And I have come to thee, for thou art Wise and Sympathetic. My husband once loved me Devotedly, But now I am Losing His Affections. 0 Safed, dost thou not know some Philter which I may cunningly concoct and give to him, that he may Partake Thereof and Love me as he did?

And I answered, I know a Potent Love Potion, and I can impart it to thee. And she said, 0 Safed, Deceive me not, neither keep me Waiting.

And I said, This is the Potion. Go thou to the Market, and there get thee a Beefsteak An Inch Thick, and be sure that it is tender. Rub it gently with an Onion, and put it in the Broiler, and be sure that the Broiler is Hot. Place it over an Hot Fire and Cook it upon the one side: then turn thou it and Cook it upon the Other Side. And be sure thou cook it Quickly that thou cook the Juice into it and not out.

And she said, I will tell the Maid to do it so. And I said, Nay, but do it with thine own hands.

And she said, Is that all? And I said, Sprinkle it lightly with salt, and yet more lightly with Pepper; and place on the top thereof a Good Big Lump of Butter. And take thou a Great Potato, and Bake it with the Cover on; and when it is baked, open it upon the Top Side, and put therein a Lump of Butter, and some Salt, and sprinkle the edges with Red Paprika. And bake the Potato first that thy Steak cool not while it baketh. And have on thy Good Dress, which thou mayest cover with a Big Gingham Apron; and when thou seest thy husband coming, slip off thine Apron, and come to the table in thy Best Bib and Tucker, and Smile at him while he eateth thy Magic Potion.

And she said, Will that assuredly give me back my husband's affections? And I said, It is warranted never to fail. But she said, What about the High Cost of Living? And I said, The High Cost of Living is justified by the High Cost of Loving. Beefsteak and Baked Potatoes, though they come high, are cheaper than Divorce and Alimony. Yea, and they yield their Peaceable Fruits.

And she went and concocted the Magic Potion, and she administered it to her husband Many Times, and they lived together Happily Ever After.