Long Lost Epistle Found
(Preface: The "former epistle" that Paul mentions in I Cor. 5:9 has long been the object of search. to many. At last it has been found. Two youthful archaeologists, Dr. Philip Modernisky and Dr. J. Sport Digress, found this epistle of the apostle Paul in the ruins of the kitchen of the church building in Corinth. It seems that this kitchen had not been used since Paul had written in I Cor. 11:22, "What? have ye not houses to eat and to drink in?"
There is no doubt that Paul is the author. It is written in his style of Greek and the internal evidences are abundant as any casual reading will reveal. This work has been translated into English by the distinguished Greek scholar and lexicographer, Prof. Theyersay, D.D., B.A., M.A., Ph.D., E.T.C. — J.D.M. - Publisher)
Text Of Paul's First Epistle
Paul, the apostle, to the church at Corinth. Grace be unto you. I am thankful always in every remembrance of you. Especially when I call to mind your fine support of me whilst I was in your midst. The chariot that the church there gavest me is excellent indeed. It enableth me to have more time for the social activities that must be in the life of one so active in the church as I. I regret that it hath placed a strain on your budget; but as I suggested to you before your purchase of it: if each member would give just one drachma a week more, you could pay for it quite well.
But I must tell you of my wonderful meeting at Berea. It was one of the best ever. There were 29 additions to the church there. One was baptized, two were restored, and 26 placed membership. I believe that still much good will continue to come from my preaching there. You will be happy to know that they supported me well, 300 shekels. I am looking forward to just such a meeting with you next spring.
Now this I say, whilst in the meeting at Berea, we went over to Thessalonica for their fourth Sunday singing. The entertainment (*) was great. The choir (**) from Philippi was there, under the direction of the choir‑superintendent (***), Zippy Quivver. What wonderful singing. Brother Quivver, besides being superb at rolling his "r's," is quite an acrobat. Silas hath been trying to imitate his style, privately, ever since that day. The choir (**) from Philippi would sing two verses of a song and then hum the last. What wonderful humming. But the climax was when Brother Quivver whistled "The Old Rugged Cross" whilst those in the choir (**) very softly hummed in the background. I am persuaded that these singings will continue to be progressive.
The saints over at Athens have asked me to arrange a game between their wrestling team and yours. They have an excellent team. They give their whole heart and soul to it. Two or three times a week they meet for practice. You would be surprised how popular these games are. I hope that you will soon see fit to have a wrestling team. For I beseech you brethren to arrange wrestling and other teams for fellowship and at the same time take up all the idle time of the husbandry in God's vineyard. I am persuaded that soon all the saints will do the same. If the church provideth not wrestling and sack races for the members, the world will. This should silence all contentious critics.
For it hath been declared unto me of you, my brethren that you are complaining about Timothy's preaching. May I remind you that he is yet a boy. As he grows up and has more experience with the brethren, he will soften up some. He probably picked up that "name-calling" you complained about from my early preaching. However, most preachers come to understand the proverb, "I know which side my bread is buttered on."
You will be interested to know that Demas hath started an Olympus Club. This club is patterned after the Greek games. It will be sponsored by the saints for the entertainment of the saints. Some in the church at Antioch thought that so many outside activities endorsed by the church might hinder the zeal of many to study, preach and teach the gospel. But I silenced them by saying, "For it is written, All work and no play maketh Jack a dull boy."
But I would not have you be ignorant concerning the work at Ephesus. Hymenaeus, the senior elder there, hath written that their new cathedral is completed. He saith that the splendor of it causeth the worshippers in the temple of Diana to covet it. Besides the necessary things, there is a high-ceiling room for games, a wrestling arena, and separate chapels for elaborate funerals and weddings. Some of the smaller churches round about have criticized their use of the Lord's money, Hymenaeus saith, but the growth of the church at Ephesus in membership should show that the people are pleased with such.
Know ye not that we are to have a big homecoming at Damascus this year? I still cannot get away from my home congregation. I haven't been there since last Easter, but they are planning their home-coming to coincide with Christmas. They are going to have a big tree and a Santa Claus. They were going to buy gifts for all the members, but since the treasury is so low, they have decided just to buy gifts for the children along with the elders, deacons, and myself. I wouldn't miss this homecoming for anything. It is the greatest Sunday in the year to me.
After looking over the budgets of the various churches, I have decided to preach next year for the church in Laodicea. That is really an active congregation. Just take a look at this budget, and you will see that they are always doing something:
Minister 5,000 shekels Assistant Minister 4,000 shekels Educational Director 3,000 shekels Song Director 3,000 shekels Recreational Director 3,000 shekels Secretary 2,000 shekels Building Fund 25,000 shekels School of Tyrannus 500 shekels Benevolence 1771/4 shekels Entertainment 200 shekels Recreation 300 shekels Mission Work 2221/2 shekels May rich blessings be with you and yours. Always think of those who are dying without the gospel and the poor. Give my regards to all the large churches in that area; and incidentally, I have time for two more meetings. Alexander, a junior deacon, saluteth thee with me.
Paul
* May be translated enjoyment
** May be translated chorus
*** May be translated chorus director
**** May be translated plant