Vol.V No.IX Pg.8
November 1968

Stuff About Things

Robert F. Turner

AS it became obvious that the witness was stretching the truth, the judge warned. Do you realize what the penalty will I be if you keep lying like this?

Moved by shame, the man on the stand dropped his head. I reckon Ill go to hell, he said.

Yes, certainly that, said the Judge. But what else?

The witness raised his head, and with a wondering look asked, Aint that enough??

Im in Kentucky again, for meetings in Louisville and Scottsville. The homey philosophies of my native state are music to my ears, and I must share a few with you. The dean of early—day journalist, in this section, called himself Josh Billings.

Josh Billings Square Man

The square man mezzures the same each way and haint got any winny edge nor cheap lumber in him. He is free from knots and sap, and wont warp. He is klear stuff, and I dont care what you work him up into, he wont swell and he wont shrink.

He is amongst men what good kiln-dried boards are among carpenters; he wont season crack. It doesnt make any difference which side ov him yu come up to, he is the same bigness each way. and the only way to get at him ennyhow iz to face him. He knows he is square and he never spends any time trying to prove it.

Josh Billings On Hens

The best time tew sett a hen iz when the hen iz ready.... I kant tell eqqsactly how to pick out a good hen, but as a general thing the long-eared ones, I know, are the least apt to skretch up the garden.

Needless to say, the long-eared kind of hens are hard to find. In the same vein, a farmer-preacher informed me that he had concluded that liberal brethren who really understood sound scriptural reasons for congregational independence, were the easiest ones to turn from the error of institutionalism. When pressed for hard evidence that this was so, he admitted he had not yet found such a person, but felt the theory was sound. Well, I agree.

Like setting a hen, the best time to teach a man iz when he iz ready.